Andy Livengood

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Charleston Unveils New Car-apult to Ease Traffic

This article was first published on May 22, 2018 on the news satire site Fauxcountry News.


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Charleston Unveils New Car-apult to Ease Traffic

In an effort to deal with the prolonged traffic issues currently plaguing the lowcountry, Charleston County opened its first Car-apult in Mt. Pleasant. “These new machines are remarkably easy to use”, said Senior DOT engineer John Christian. “We simplified the process as much as we could so that we could deal with the large number of commuters we expect to have.” At the printing of this article, the only destinations provided by this new system are Summerville and Hanahan, but there are plans to roll out other locations by the end of the year. 

“We actually had this in the works for a few months ago,” said DOT spokesperson Mark Allen. “The current issues with the Wando Bridge seemed like the perfect opportunity to roll out this new project.” Rush hour commuters will have to drive onto the Car-apult and tell the “Transportation Attendant” where they need to go. The Car-apult will be turned in the general direction of the city specified and the car will be launched. The estimated commute time will be 23 seconds for Hanahan and 30 seconds for Summerville. The car will be caught on one of two “Landing Pads”, large inflatable mats manned by two “Catcher Clerks.” 

Safety, of course, is of the highest concern. Absolutely no cars will be launched without a clear and direct count of three. Jennifer Balm, a Hanahan resident, was in one of the first cars launched. “It was a little scary at first, but it really cut down on my commute. I’d use it again.” When asked about the flaming wreckage surrounding the “Landing Pads” Allen said, “It beats sitting in traffic for two hours.” The Car-apult will be open from 3-7PM every day to take the burden off of rush hour traffic.