Andy Livengood

Actor. Comedian. All around fun guy.

You're a Mean One

It’s not a surprising concept that serving the general public can lead to some insane encounters. I’ve seen some real jackasses. I’ve seen customers so mean, they’ve made clerks cry. One shitty customer can ruin your day. Sometimes a jerk customer is more funny than mean, and those are the stories I’ve prepared for you today. Once again, these stories are 100% true!


(While working the counter, I smell smoke. I soon learn the chicken case has caught on fire.)

(I yell for the guy I'm working with. He grabs a fire extinguisher and I start moving stuff in the case so we can get to the growing electrical fire. )

(A customer approaches. He sees I'm holding up a shelf so that my coworker can get the extinguisher close to the VISIBLE FLAMES.)

Customer: Do you guys have anymore hams?

Me: Yeah. I'll get them after we take care of this.

Customer: (agitated) Is there anyone else that can help me?

Me: No. Is just us. I'll get them as soon as the fire is out.

Customer: Could you hurry?


Customer: (Can barely walk and smells like booze) I want...... (mumble) 3..... (mumble)

Me: I'm sorry?

Customer: What do you think I'm saying!? I'm not asking you for a date!! I want 3 pounds of salmon!


Me: Anything else?

Customer: No. 

Me: Great. Have a good one!

Customer: What is it with you Charleston people. That is offensive, but I like it. 

Me: I'm sorry.

Customer: You overuse "one" One can be anything. I could go home and eat a sandwich. I could eat one sandwich. Is that the "one" you mean?!?!

Me: Um...day. I meant day. 

Customer: (She walks away in a huff) Really! You southerners are sooo weird. 

Me: Have a good DAY!


Customer : Where's your lamb?

Me: Right here.

Customer: Do you have any that isn't for Jewish people? I'm not Jewish.

Me: Um.... I'm sorry?

Customer: Right here! (Pointing to the brand name and logo) Seder Farms!! I'm not a Jew!

Me: Sir, that's the brand name. And it's pronounced "Cedar Farms."

Customer: Great. (Takes his lamb chops to the front)


Customer: One pound of crab legs. 

Me: Yes sir. (I start to sort through the crab legs for good looking ones)

Customer: Not that one. I want that one in front. 

Me: (reaching towards the front) I can’t really see in the counter from back here. This one?

Customer: NO! The front one. 

Me: This one? 

Customer: UNDER that one! Damn. 

(I get the crab legs priced. He takes them and reaches into his pocket. Without looking he hands throws a bill on the counter.)

Customer: Thanks.

Me: Have a nice day. 

(I pick up the HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL he left me. )

(He’s walking away and pulls out his money to get ready for the register. He looks down at it and runs back over.

Customer: Gave you the wrong one. Give it back. 

(I hand him the hundred. He hands me a one dollar bill. )

Me: Yeah. So…have a nice day.


Customer: Is there gluten in these crab cakes?

Me: It doesn't say "gluten free," so it's likely.

Customer: Trying to eat gluten free is really hard.

Me: Yeah, my mom had issues with gluten and she says the same thing.

Customer : You know, it's she had issues with gluten, then you probably have issues with gluten too.

Me: Um. .. yeah. It's probably coming...

Customer: You already have it That's where this (pointing at my stomach and indicating the size) comes from.

Me: So anything else I can help you with?


Customer: I want a pound of shrimp! 

Me: Yes, sir. 

Customer: And hurry up! I'm not one of those housewives with all the time in the world. 

Me: Um...yes, sir.

(meanwhile this tiny older woman walked up behind him)

Woman: Excuse me?!?! I have all the time in the world?!?!? Let me tell you about my day! I have to wake up at five to make sure my boys get up for school...

(I keep getting his shrimp, while he stands there not making eye contact with her. It is VERY CLEAR he is uncomfortable.)

Woman: ...then I have to run my errands. I went to the dry cleaner cause my husband needs his suit cleaned...

Me: Here's your shrimp.

(He takes it and walks away. The woman follows behind him, continuing to yell at him.)

Woman: I'm at the store because its my turn to cook dinner for a family at our church who just suffered a loss. Then I have to....

(A little while later, I walk up front to by a drink on my break. At the register is the Customer...and the woman. He is turning red and is still silent.)

Woman: I have to make dinner tonight! Ain't nobody gonna help me! So you listen to me..

(She kept going, but I went back to my department with my water.)


So, don't be a jerk.