Now We're Cooking!
Cooking is tough. When I first moved out of my parents house, my meals consisted of kraft mac & cheese or hot dogs. (Sometimes both, if I was feeling fancy.) It’s really tough to live off of frozen dinners and at some point, I knew I must learn the ways of the kitchen.
Now, I’m not a master chef, but I know how to make a few things. Part of my job at the butcher’s counter is to teach customers how to cook the meat or fish they buy. I like this part of the job. I love when a customer comes back in to tell me that the recipe I gave them was a hit.
There are some customers that really have no business being in a kitchen. I don’t mean they don’t know how to cook, I mean they can’t comprehend the concept of cooking. They don’t understand what they’re buying, what they’re eating, or how to cook it….and they don’t care.
Here are my favorite 100% true stories of customers that might want to watch a little more Food Network:
(Guy comes to the meat counter, orders a top sirloin fillet.)
Me: Here’s your steak!
Customer: I’ve been leaving this in my refrigerator for 2-3 weeks. It gets green and slimy. That’s dry-aging, right?
Me: Uhhh….no. To dry age something you need to control the humidity. That’s hard to do in a refrigerator.
Customer: So if it wasn’t dry aging, what was it doing?
Customer: Oh. (long pause) I guess I should eat this soon.
Me: I would.
Customer: Are these shrimp cooked?
Me: No, ma'am. They're completely raw.
Customer: Okay......do I need to cook them?
Me: I'd recommend it.
Customer: (snippy) Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?!
Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.
Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow.
Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow.
Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!
Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow.
Customer: Then what is it?
Me: Um…the spinal cord.
Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?
Me: Hi! How can I help you?
Customer: Is this shrimp raw?
Me: Yes, Ma'am. I have some cooked over here, if that was what you wanted.
(She looks at the cooked shrimp)
Customer: Welcome to Charleston!!!!!!
(She walks away)
(A woman approaches the seafood counter.)
Customer: I just want you to know, that lobster tail I bought from you was the toughest thing I’ve ever eaten!
Me: How did you cook it?
Customer: Cook it?
Me: Uh yeah. They’re not cooked. They’re raw.
Customer: ….Oh Lord Jesus, what did I do?
(Shejust walks away.)