Now We're Cooking!

Cooking is tough. When I first moved out of my parents house, my meals consisted of kraft mac & cheese or hot dogs. (Sometimes both, if I was feeling fancy.) It’s really tough to live off of frozen dinners and at some point, I knew I must learn the ways of the kitchen. 

Now, I’m not a master chef, but I know how to make a few things. Part of my job at the butcher’s counter is to teach customers how to cook the meat or fish they buy. I like this part of the job. I love when a customer comes back in to tell me that the recipe I gave them was a hit. 

There are some customers that really have no business being in a kitchen. I don’t mean they don’t know how to cook, I mean they can’t comprehend the concept of cooking. They don’t understand what they’re buying, what they’re eating, or how to cook it….and they don’t care. 

Here are my favorite 100% true stories of customers that might want to watch a little more Food Network:

(Guy comes to the meat counter, orders a top sirloin fillet.)

Me: Here’s your steak!

Customer: I’ve been leaving this in my refrigerator for 2-3 weeks. It gets green and slimy. That’s dry-aging, right?

Me: Uhhh….no. To dry age something you need to control the humidity. That’s hard to do in a refrigerator.

Customer: So if it wasn’t dry aging, what was it doing?

Me: Um…..decomposing?

Customer: Oh. (long pause) I guess I should eat this soon. 

Me: I would.

Customer: Are these shrimp cooked? 

Me: No, ma'am. They're completely raw. 

Customer: I need to cook them?

Me: I'd recommend it.

Customer: (snippy) Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?!

Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.

Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow. 

Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow. 

Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!

Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow. 

Customer: Then what is it? 

Me: Um…the spinal cord.

Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?

Me: Hi! How can I help you?

Customer: Is this shrimp raw?

Me: Yes, Ma'am. I have some cooked over here, if that was what you wanted. 

(She looks at the cooked shrimp)

Customer: Welcome to Charleston!!!!!!

(She walks away)

(A woman approaches the seafood counter.)

Customer: I just want you to know, that lobster tail I bought from you was the toughest thing I’ve ever eaten!

Me: How did you cook it?

Customer: Cook it?

Me: Uh yeah. They’re not cooked. They’re raw.

(Long pause)

Customer: ….Oh Lord Jesus, what did I do?

(Shejust walks away.)